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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in thetoadies' LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
11:28 am
College (X)
Hot ass Boyfriend (X)
Best Friends Ever (X)
Weight Loss (X)
Long Flowing Hair hahahaha (X)
Mardi Gras (X)
Car (January)
License (January)
Christmas Shopping (X)
Monday, October 27th, 2008
6:50 pm
it's so sad that when brian and i fight, part of me dies.
but when i fight with anyone else, i just kinda watch it go and wait.
it's sad when the only person who truly gets you
doesn't fucking get you at all.
Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
6:29 pm
I'll.Keep. Digging. 'Til. I.Feel. Something.
what became of subtlety?
...
but how can this mean anything to me?
If I really don't feel a thing at all.





I watch shadows sprint across the wall.
Follow them out the window.


tomorrow will change my fucking life.
I am an open wound.
Sunday, July 27th, 2008
8:44 pm
liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate liars hate

i never wanted to be anybody's anything at all.
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
9:14 pm
dear. dear barbara
Sorry its taken me so long to respond. I really wanted to be absolutely sure of what I was going to say to you and how.
Here's the truth, doll.
I've never ever talked shit about you. I haven't had to. I've talked truth about you. And when you're writhing on a floor after a glass of wine muttering about how 'omg hooorny' you are, fuck, this shit writes itelf. All I've done was answer questions honestly.
"What did you do yesterday, Laura?'
'Hung out with Barbara and watched her get high off one toke and get drunk off one sip'
Pretty fucking pathetic.
But, well, no shock there.
So, right. I've never forgiven the shit you said. Are you stupid enough to think I did? Yeeeees, and that's your failing. Your life, the pathetic, desperate way you live has been a punchline for like...yeah, going on two years now.
To be one hundred percent upfront, I think you're fucking revolting. I think you are selfish and childish and ultimately useless. I think you're good-looking enough that you'll always be just on the brink of infecting some new guy with Mama's Good Old Fashioned strain of herpes, and that thought makes me pity the entire male race.
Talking to Cory after he and I break up? Without even pretending to ask if I was cool with that?
Who the FUCK do you think you are, little girl? What the fuck drama are you trying to start?
And then the pissy myspace bulletins...how the fuck old are you again? It would seem as though at every turn you have done whatever you can to EARN my disrespect, to wallow in contempt that you apparently are aware on some level that you deserve.
The thing is, I don't even care that you're a shitty two-faced "friend". And I don't even feel bad for whatever wreck of a conscience remains in your desperate facade of 'love me love me!'. I always found it highly ironic that you hated Tim so much. Hm, lazy, shiftless, uninspired,generally of no good to society...and drama queens! You guys were fucking made for each other.

Listen, you know how much I detest Jeremy. But even that mother fucker didn't deserve to be associated with your name.

Have fun chasing the ghosts of your step dad for the rest of your life, and stay the fuck outta mine.
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
8:40 am
be a bitch like usual?


be a childish, stupid fucking petulant whiny little piece of shit like usual.
'Look how much I've changed!'

Do you even believe your own bullshit?


Wonder why I never want to see you?


Hm.
Friday, June 6th, 2008
8:37 pm
Thursday, June 5th, 2008
11:15 am
Code 3151825: I hate you so much for what you've done. You destroyed my heart, made me feel worse then I've ever felt, made me want to fucking die. And you simply don't even care at all, even though spoke words of utter love to me. Now, you just ignore me. You ignore me like a fucking beggar. You really are a fucking terrible person. A selfish, thoughtless, fucking callous, horrible piece of shit.
Monday, May 26th, 2008
4:40 am
list! song-band
closer (super mario remix)
faint of hearts (acoustic)-coheed and cambria
better-regina spektor
hate me-blue october
drain the blood-the distillers
do you love me now?-the breeders
alison-elvis costello
radio,radio-elvis costello
someday you will be loved-death cab for cutie
pissing in the mainstream-dying fetus
we right here-dmx
when you're around-motion city soundtrack
ghost of you-my chemical romance
the future freaks me out-motion city soundtrack
brightly wound-eisley
sugar-system of a down
in the fade-queens of the stone age
the nurse who loved me-failure
call me when you're sober-evanescense
misery buisness (acoustic)-paramore
litte sin-the toadies
tyler-the toadies
polyamorous (acoustic)-breaking benjamin
true love is blind-louis xiv
a is for action-ima robot
empire-bad religion
los angeles is burning-bad religion
angel son-sevendust
bitch-sevendust
prodigy lover-weezer
suedehead-morrissey
dear god-xtc
neat neat neat-the damned
seether-veruca salt
all dressed up-veruca salt
quicksand-lit
a place in the sun-lit
again i go unnoticed-dashboard confessional
hands down-dashboard confessional
sticks and stones-alien ant farm
stranded-alien ant farm
dig-incubus
pardon me-incubus
tarantula-smashing pumpkins
celebrity skin-hole
doll parts-hole
hag-the breeders
karma police-radiohead
he hit me and it felt like a kiss-the crystals
he's a rebel-the crystals
oh so quiet-bjork
boot camp-soundgarden
walking after midnight-patsy cline
landlocked blues-bright eyes
is that love?-squeeze
about a girl-nirvana
fiddle and drum-a perfect circle
yellar-the bogmen
2:29 am
and i sit here trying to paint pictures with words
of this terrible wreck that i am
-and cause-
and find myself growing breathless.


i want to save you from me
i wanted to save you from me.


i've been nonfuckingstop lately to hush these little demons, and as mildly unhealthy as it is, on some level this feels like how i need to be.
how i should be.

i've been everywhere the past few days.
i traced the sand with my toes and felt solace.
i looked down on this city and felt calm.

i don't deserve anything i have.
Saturday, May 24th, 2008
8:48 am
I am never really wrong.
Saturday, May 17th, 2008
9:37 am
unforgivable.

i have killed for less.
but i will turn the other cheek.

-scared-
Monday, April 28th, 2008
1:45 pm
Pencil Me In
today 11.30-8 seeing wyn
tuesday 9-5.30
wednesday off Boston with Wayne and Jess
thursday 12.15-6
friday 12.30-8 Tricia and Trevor?
saturday off
sunday off
monday 10-6.30
tuesday 11.30-8
wednesday 10-6.30
thursday 11.30-8
friay 9-4.30

My schedule as of right now.
Very excited to have a weekend off, and plan on doing moderate to serious damage to my body during it.
yaaaaaaay!
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
8:15 am
sober.


...-sigh-
Monday, April 7th, 2008
4:55 pm
Today is awesome.
I got a green t-shirt with a sumo wrestler on it, Mum and I went out doing errands together. Also got my taxes done, getting almost a grand back. Nothing crazy, but crazy nice, lemme tell ya.
Went to the bank and got that all situated, my finances are officially in order.

Debating moving out on my own, easier, less bullshit.

saw and had a delicious dinner with tricia and trev last night, and then hung out with my wyn.

then we went back to his place where i totally didn't mean to fall asleep, but i always do.

things with him are amazing.he's such a goofy bastard. we laugh about the gayest stuff, but in a good way. and he lets me rub him all over, and i let him kiss me all over.
:)

in other news,
never always means forever for me.
Saturday, April 5th, 2008
10:59 am
Dear World,

Thanks.


Love,
Laura
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
10:06 am
And this is what decline will be shown as, when the pages are all bound.

o well.
no lament.

most people hate me, i've come to realize. the only person who seems to actually sincerely like me might have a biased opinion because we also have a physical relationship.
-shrug-


It's not like it's some big mystery, honestly. this is what a lifetime of 'i don't give a fuck'ery will get you. in happier news, i think many people respect me, which is friendships' distant cousin. you know, the ugly cousin that you'll hang out with to meet the hottie.

it's funny though, because i've never been better. got another raise. making tons of casual...things at work. finally getting my fat ass in shape, appreciating life for the wonder that it is. and there's just something about me that makes people walk away so easily.

i don't want to change. i refuse. do you know how long it took me and how hard it was to make this shitty person? at least i can look myself in the fucking mirror, have some fucking integrity.

he and i will move away. not soon, probably late winter early spring. i just literally see no reason to stay around here. i never see the people i'm 'closest' with, and i know my more casual friends would come visit. i think i just need a change of fucking space, and i don't want to play house with him in this area. what's the point? i've done this to death, and he's lived here forever, too. maybe even just fucking winchendon, yeah it sucks but at least it's different.

arghhh

i'm going to go read an awful book that i hate now.
Thursday, March 27th, 2008
8:30 pm
I have People at work now, fans.

And a little girl called me 'the nicest lady!' to her Mum because we named her toy caterpillar Crawley.

Oh I will be pure
Like snooow
Like gooold.


I want want to feel good good and I will do every fucking thing I can think of to feel better.


On that note, I'm going to get fucked up.
<3
9:30 am
so, the last few days have beeeeeeeeen fucking awful.
wyn and i got into a fight (now resolved) that made me realize how bad i've gotten.

broke my cell, and then when I literally bribed someone to drive me to the Verizon store, they needed my mom's social because she bought the phone. i call and ask and she's basically like 'what is this costing me?' and at that point i have $500 in my pocket and i answer 'nothing' and she replies with 'i'm not doing this' and hangs up on me.
ok.
my best friend and i have plans yesterday, which of course don't happen. i don't even get a call to be told they're not going to happen, it's apparently understood at this point. silly me. so then cat comes over and basically tells me that tricia says i see people as replaceable...or was it interchangeable? and that tricia always tries to make plans with me, but i never have the time. despite the fact that i don't have a car and still make it to leominster when i do get an actual invite, and have actually had minor fights with my boyfriend over the fact that i'll dump whatever plans i have with just him to see tricia.
am i the only one who was there for sweeny todd?
and was my callousness the impression i gave when i was trying as hard as i could not to cry at work because my former best male friend totally treated me like shit?
oops.

oh, and my former best male friend? yeah, he's telling people that the reason we're no longer friends is because his friend has fucked up ovaries. well sweets, my ovaries are fucked up because of bleach consumption. save up for fertility treatment, don't treat people as subhuman.

i have the flu. i puked yesterday. i barely eat solid food anymore, and whenever i do try to eat, all i can think about is how ugly i am.
great appetite suppressant, but depressing.

my mother decided that she was going to scream at me about my room today. saying she 'gives me rides'-though when i said i'd prefer to take a cab today she screamed at me again, and i 'ask her for money'. the last time i asked her for money was college.
oops again.

so i'm either going to be doing some couch hopping soon, or killing myself. the only shitty thing about trying to kill myself is it could cost me my job if i don't do it right.

and i think today is my day for my one year review.

i just keep pretending it's all ok
in the hopes the worst will go away
i'll be just fine
i'll be just fucking fine.
Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
11:17 am
Life
I feel like making something honest today.
Work has been going excessively well. I've been trying to bring some of my weird ambition to it and it's already been noticed. And I helped someone well enough yesterday that they insisted upon getting one of those 'OMG YOU'RE AWESOME' papers to fill out. That made me feel nice.
My coworkers are all good humans. They make my work easier so I try to do the same for them. We have good talks that have nothing to do with work. Andy secretly listens to Henry Rollins, which delights me to no fucking end.

I've lost something in the area of twenty pounds. I still don't have a good body, a decent body, or even a fuckable body. But I can hike now and not be out of breath, which is really more the point that I care about. Blonde again, my default. I prefer it to dark though, it's just more me. More frivolous.

My Wyn and I are still stupidinlove. I got him a ring.Well, I can't be upstaged, can I?
:P
He bought me really amazing books, and roses when I was sad. Yeah.
It's great.

Tricia's in the country again! And Cat is, too! And Jess and Wayne and I are going to start hanging out again, and Justin and that whole crew...I'm so excited for the bonfires.
I'm just so excited to not be dead.
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